OK. So we’re all getting a tad excited about tonight’s draw to see which country’s teams will be playing where.
Even Capetonians are shedding their usual hoity-toityness and warming slightly to the idea that The Big Draw is happening right there in their own city, at their International Convention Centre, at 7pm (SA time).
Before we celebrate this fact with some song, dance and, of course, some Durban-style vuvu-blowing, let’s have a butchers at those countries who have made it into the draw:
Pot 1 (Host and Top Seven Seeds): South Africa, Brazil, Spain, Netherlands, Italy, Germany, Argentina, England.
Pot 2 (Asia, North America and Oceania): Australia, Japan, Korea DPR, Korea Republic, Honduras, Mexico, United States, New Zealand.
Pot 3 (Africa and South America): Algeria, Cameroun, Ivory Coast, Ghana, Nigeria, Chile, Paraguay, Uruguay.
Pot 4 (Europe): Denmark, France, Greece, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Switzerland.
Right. There it is. So which nations (or, rather, their fans) do we want playing here in my home city of Durban? Which countries most deserve to be blessed by the unparalleled beauty (anywhere) of our Moses Mabhida Stadium. Well, if it were left to me – and I cannot honestly understand why Fifa haven’t left it entirely to me to choose – the four countries to play their group games here would be (cue very loud parp of a million vuvus): Netherlands (due entirely to the video I’m about to show you); Australia (so we can tease them rotten about their rubbish rugby team); Cameroun (because they dance so beautifully to the very cool indigenous tunes their musicians produce and will bring another stunning African vibe to our city); and Portugal (so we can jeer Cristiano Ronaldo for being such a ponce when he played for Manchester United).
OK, so picking the Netherlands ahead of Brazil means that I won’t get to party with their unbelievable fans in the way I so memorably did (it was completely sexual, my babies) after Brazil played Scotland in Turin during the 1990 World Cup in Italy but I based my decision solely on the evidence in this little vid…
Hellness, I enjoyed that. That I want to see a lot of in the stands at Moses Mabhida after June 11 next year. The Dutch always add value (and a big splash of orange) to a World Cup. And I like the way they’ve embraced our vuvuzela instead of rejecting it as too painful to sensitive ears – as did the snivelling Japanese and (it pains me to say) that former Liverpool player Xabi Alonso, who will be wearing specially-made earplugs the entire time he mooches around our country while complaining about our vuvus.
So Cape Town are welcome to host wussy Spain and Japan. We’ll have the vuvu-loving Dutch and, anyway, there’s a lot of blue in the stands at Moses Mabhida and the colour co-ordination will work much better with the orange well bumped up. And, did I mention that I have a massive erogenous zone for tall blonde women. I didn’t? How negligent of me.
Moving swiftly on. OK. I accept that Mr Sepp Blatter, and not me, has the final say on all things World Cup and tonight his minions will pull balls out of pots and announce who is to play where. We wait with bated breath and the champers well chilled. I’ll be thumping out some words about this momentous event right here on your “Diagnosed SA-positive” blog the minute all the excitement is over. Please join me for a tongue-in-cheek summary of which lucky fans get to party big-time with we Durbanites next June… right here on your fave blog at about 9pm tonight. Check you later, Hatpeople!