USA skipper Carlos Bocanegra voted hottest guy at this World Cup!

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Look. There are times when I feel like I’m groping in the dark on this blog. And this is definitely one of them.

I’ve been linked on to the London Guardian’s fantastic World Cup fans’ network for this football fandango, the best thing that’s happened to South Africa since the invention of Marmite, and I’ve been tweeting out comments on the matches for the past three weeks.

Tweets often pop up from women, proclaiming one or other player as somebody so hot that they would consider giving up their paradisical South African lifestyle to become part of that player’s concubine in a mansion outside Madrid or Manchester or Milan or Minsk or wherever.

It’s no good us just going on about a footballer’s ability to slip the offside trap or whether their somersault with triple pike in the penalty box scores a perfect 10. These women, clearly knickers-a-knotted and panting over the PVR, need to be heard. I couldn’t help them. Not until a reader, responding to my pic of that plonker Cristiano Ronaldo in his jocks sent in her personal Top Ten of Hottest Players at this World Cup.

Ready? Right. And off she goes (very breathlessly)…

OK. Thanks, Fred. So, you definitely can’t string a proper football team together with this lot but who cares? We just want to look at them, really. I don’t need to say much about them, the pictures will do the talking…

Carlos Bocanegra - USA

Super, super dark and dreamy hottie! I would omit vowels for him any day.

Lucas Neill - Australia

Aussie who will need to be consoled as his national side is continuously embarrassed. They can stick to cricket, and he can stick to bowling maidens over.

Yoann Gourcuff - France

Frenchman with dark hair and such striking oceanic eyes. Romance of love, Allez Les Bleus!

Cesc Fabregas - Spain

Spanish and Arsenal hottie. Yum.

Wesley Sneijder - Holland

The wild card of the lot. Dutch player who kind of looks a bit geeky. Like he played a lot of Diablo and now made it big and is giving the finger to all of those haters.

Itumeleng Khune - South Africa

The nation’s spiderkid. He’s been warming our hearts since his acrobatic performances in the Confed Cup last year. How cute is he? Marry me, Khune!

Carlos Vela - Mexico

Mexican hottie who also plays for Arsenal and, the best part, he is still soooo young. So he can be trained, with ease.

Alex Song - Cameroon

Another Arsenal boy who plays for Cameroon. Cheeky smile with his bushy hair and abs to drool over. (I am not biased because I am an Arsenal fan, promise).

Lukas Podolski - Germany

German jock with arms that make you want to pretend like you are falling over. Very much the preppie girl’s man.

Iker Casillas - Spain

Spanish captain and keeper. Estoy loco por ti!

* And just for good measure: Stevie G – Liverpool and England captain. He might be a barfighting chav who looks confused most of the time but I would, yes, I would…

Steven Gerrard - England. Whaaaat?!

What? You would… what? Look. As somebody who has bled Liverpool Red from age seven, Stevie G is my hero. I cherish his commitment to Liverpool FC and our club would not be the same without him. I love the way he puts his body on the line for the Mighty Reds’ cause week in and week out and he is a supremely gifted midfielder with an instinctive ability to blast goals from all over the pitch. He’s a hot footballer… but a hot guy? Surely not!

But what do I know? And what I know is this. How can Arsenal – you’re not biased? Yeah, right! – dominate this Hottielist when my club has Spaniard Fernando Torres striking a massively athletic pose up front. Why is “El Nino” not in this list? Why is he not top of this list? Is it because he is blond? Or was blond? I detect some prejudice towards dark-haired guys in this list. Surely some mistake!

So, I’ll play out with Liverpool goalscoring icon, Mr Torres…

Here's our boy. Fernando Torres - Liverpool and Spain. So, what's wrong with him, then? Hey?

Am I missing something? Maybe it’s just that, as a guy with only Liverpool on my mind, I think Fernando Torres is seriously hot. In front of goal!

What do you think? Ladies?

* This list of “hotties” was compiled by a blogging colleague. You can find her floundering in an ocean of oestrogen over at Paddlesweep where, when the football World Cup isn’t on, she usually gets her knickers in a twist over, er, cricket.