Forget what you read in the snoozepapers. They tend to follow a cram-in-as-much-crime-as-is-possible formula to sell their (largely outdated) product. Fearmongering sells. And sends losers such as Brandon Huntley scampering off to Canada to claim asylum on some outrageously dodgy premise that his sad little life is in danger. Which is a positive, if entirely unexpected, outcome. But I mustn’t get started on that.
Instead, allow me to sell you something. South Africa. I’ve travelled. Extensively. South Africa is the most amazingly diverse, gobsmackingly surprising, mysterious and simply sumptuous country on our planet. And Durban is the undoubted jewel in its dazzling crown.
So a lot of you – I’m addressing my foreign Hatpeople here – will travel to South Africa next year for the World Cup football (soccer) finals? Cool. Hold on to your hats. Ladies and gentlemen, may I show you one of the latest pictures captured of the Moses Mabhida Stadium, built by Durbs-by-the-Sea (as our city is colloquially called) for you lot to sit in while you cheer (if you’re not blowing our vuvuzelas) on your nation next June. In our blazing winter sunshine. OK. hard sell over. Are you holding on to those hats? Here we go…
OK. Try to contain yourselves. It’s hard, I know. Breathe. Deeply. Good. Now you might be wondering about the colours of the seating you’re seeing from way up at the top of the stadium in this pic. Oh, by the way, if you were indeed where the photographer was when he snapped this beauty, you would have arrived there in a cool little cablecar-like thingy (except it’s called a funicular) which is pulled up and over the magnificent arch, a vertigo-inducing 106 metres above the pitch.
Back to the seating. Notice the orange and yellow seats placed above the blue seats? What’s that all about? Well – and I’m bursting with SA-positivity here – they depict what we Durbanites revel in almost all-year-round. Sun and surf, my babies. Clever, eh? So simple but so much of warmth and, damn I’ll say it, pure spiritualness. There. They can’t say that in Cape Town, can they? But don’t get me started on that little piece of faux-Mediterrania where they’ll be ferrying World Cup fans to their well-sucked-Polo-mint look-a-like stadium by boat next year. Oops. Forgot myself there.
No, Cape Town can be nice. In December. But not anywhere as glorious as Durban. Best you football fans go on your knees and pray that your country is drawn to play its group matches in Durbs. And, if it is, remember to pack your boardshorts and surfboard. And loads of money to spend at our first-class restaurants, bars, nightclubs and game reserves.
I now end this advertis, um, public service broadcast. You may now view the other Moses Mabhida Stadium pictures right here. Sheez, I should get paid for doing this. Don’t you think?