As wondrous as Stanford is, stealing lemons from the neighbours and flogging them down the Saturday Morning Market doth not many boxes of Ouma’s Breakfast Rusks buy. So I went to Cape Town to reintroduce my being to work. W.O.R.K. Heavens to Betsy! My village mellow was well and truly destroyed. But it did give me the chance, inbetween nocturnal enslavement at The Argus and shards of sleep, to photograph things other than sheep, rivers, mountains, birds, butterflies, children running barefoot and freely in paradise and the most beautiful woman in the village. You might want to check these out…
I hear Seth Rotherham has a pair on order. But Aubrey got there first.
Love the dresses, love the hairbunches, love the little girl...
There was this incredible woman on the train. She looked like a prima ballerina who had fallen on hard times. I thought her shoe and rose worked well together...
There was music in the air...
Sometimes you only have to look up...
My friend Helen has this bunny in the window...
Back to the train... and the best of British.
I wonder where they took their kitten for the day?
Sleep Purple
Another railway sleeper...
I followed Cape Town's yellow tile road to the Open Book Festival...
... and, on the way, I thought this late-afternoon sliver of light quite poetic...
... until my ears were caressed by the exquisite prose of the mercurially wordful Isobel Dixon.
After all that, light relief...
So it is. So it is. Pics: Hatman Photography
I’m so looking forward to delivery of the redesigned “SA-positive blog”. Then I can do this picture thing much more effectively for you. Until then…
I was having a day off, listening to Seth\’s stunning 2oceansvibe radiostream and trying really hard not to touch myself at the same time, when this little gem rolled into the collective unconscious of Hatman Mansions on a Saturday morning… oh, this carries a “You Might Fall Off Your Chair And Crush The Cat You’ll Be Laughing So Hard” warning…
Beautiful! I think all SABC TV news reporters should be ordered to get stoned before getting their hands on a mike. I might actually understand what they’re saying.
* Red hat tip to Anne Bussio of Joe’s Restaurant in Stanford for sending this beautiful baby my way.
Over at my mate\’s blog he features a little something every Tuesday which he calls Tuesday Tabs. It involves a gratuitous peep at some or other rather well-known female not altogether clothed and it usually meets with my private approval.
Now, this is not quite the thing in which your “SA-positive” blogger indulges but since there’s a World Cup going on and my Google Analytics stats indicate a surprisingly high number of female visitors to fredhatman.co.za, why would I turn a vuvu-deaf ear to your increasingly hysterical demands…
Ahem.
There. Are we all happy? Divine. Can we go back to watching the football now?
After days of painstakingly assessing the final mo’s in our “Great Camps Bay vs Umdloti Mo-off” contest, Judge Lucy eventually adjudged the “Trucker” ‘tache sprouted by The Heartman of Umdloti as the winner.
Lucy Balona, head of Marketing and Communications at Cansa, the organisers of the “Mo-vember” campaign to raise awareness of cancers afflicting men, sportingly agreed to be the judge in the competition between Seth Rotherham, superstar blogger and sex symbol of Camps Bay, and Geoff “Heartman” Brink, Heart & Sole tour unicyclist and generally hailed as the most macho of he-men in Umdloti.
This is how “Judge Lucy” reported back her findings to fredhatman.co.za:
Dear Fred
I am going to have to go with the Heartie’s final Mo. Our Seth’s Mo looks rather frightened, like he’s being caught with his pants down…. oops… and you didn’t send a big enough bribe! So First Prize to supercool Heartie who seems very comfortable with his Mo.
I reserve the right to have my mind changed, depending on the amount of donations that come rolling in ….
Enjoy!
Lucy
Lucy Balona
Head: Marketing and Communications
The Cancer Association of South Africa (CANSA)
www.cansa.org.za
Toll-free 0800 22 66 22
Leading the fight against cancer in South Africa
Right. Thanks, Lucy, for being such a sport of great jolliness and a judge as astute and diligent in your inspection of the evidence presented before you as any in our esteemed Supreme Court. OK, so let’s have a good butchers at the evidence upon which Judge Lucy was asked to make her decision…
Exhibit A: Seth Rotherham's porn star mo, snapped while out and asprout at Frankie Fleck's clothing range launch in Cape Town
Exhibit B: The Heartman's supamuthatrucker mo, captured post-not-so-close-shave in his bathroom at the Bush Palace
Mmmm. Perhaps you’ll join me in agreeing that this was more of a “No Contest” than a “Mo Contest”? But a massively hairy doff of my red hat to 2oceansvibe\’s Seth for taking part and for so strongly and persuasively promoting “Movember” on his hugely popular blog. And to The Heartman for stopping his endless stalking of wildlife in the Umdloti bush in search of a decent breakfast and postponing his early morning unicycle ride to shave and pose for the above pic.
And, to all those womenfolk who endured the tickling action of hairy upper lips on Tom Selleck look-a-likes for one whole month, a thank-you for understanding why a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do to highlight the cancers that continue to nibble away at our nuts and prostate glands. Nice one, angels!
And all those guys who were man enough to adjust the flightpath of their Gillettes so as to allow for a top-lip turnout… bristling good work, Mo Bros! You have to say it: South Africa’s Got ‘Tache!
I don’t know if it’s in the water but Durban – and Umdloti in particular – has sprouted some scary moustaches for Cansa’s “Mo-vember” campaign to raise awareness of those cancers that nibble lethally away at men… prostate, testicular and, yes, breast cancer can pick on men too. You didn’t know that, did you?
So a lot of guys are strolling around South Africa and sporting ‘taches which are terrifying the living daylightsness out of their womenfolk. Hang in there, ladies, you can order him to de-tache in just six days’ time. Meanwhile, an update on the “Great Umdloti vs Camps Bay Mo-off”, a friendly tussle between Heart & Sole marathon unicyclist Geoff “Heartman” Brink and Cape Town’s “sex symbol” blogger Seth Rotherham.
So without further hair-do (OK, so I’ve used that line before but I like it too much, all right?), let’s brace ourselves for the second phase pics of their top-lip turnouts… first up, Seth “I’ve gone for the Porn Star vibe” Rotherham…
Hmmm, I'm not entirely convinced many porn stars are looking over their hairy shoulders in fear at Seth's paltry turnout... but, hey, I don't want to influence the judges' decision here!
Next up, and I suggest you cover your children’s eyes for this one, our nutty Umdloti marathon unicyclist, Geoff “MuthaTrucker” Brink…
Golly gumdropsness! He does look rather terrifying, doesn't he? In a kind of "Umdloti Has A Village Idiot And I'm It" kind of way. Actually, he's quite harmless... without a razor in his mitt!
Well. I’m not sure what to say. Except perhaps Camps Bay’s sexiest blogger might have some catching up to do. Not that I’m taking sides. No. I’ll leave that to the judges. Er, that will be me. And I’ll make my decision next week. End of Movember, right?
Right. Now for a little light relief. If that wasn’t light enough for you. Last time out, my guest Mo Bro was Springbok rugby legend Bob Skinstad. The last I heard, he had taken refuge in a snug in a Dublin pub ahead of the South Africa vs Ireland match and was dyeing his moustache with Guinness. So who to feature this week?
I’ve been ranting on forever about stick-insect models setting a terrible example to young women – see here and here - so I was highly chuffed when the Hatman Mansions’ media department pointed out that I had received support for my campaign for more shapely women from young Cape Town blogger Seth Rotherham.
Now Seth has come on in leaps and bounds since I dispensed to him as many pearls of blogging wisdom as I possibly could when I met up with the enfant terrible of the blogosphere during our “Strengthening the Ties Between Umdloti and Camps Bay Tour” earlier this year.
You may witness for yourself just how well our boy has done since then by visiting his rapidly improving blog at 2oceansvibe.com. The boy done good, hey? Yes, he has. Just drink in all that advertising and those awards. The super-fast cars. The whole vibe! I’m so proud of him. And he’s taken it even further, as he does, by pouring acclaim on a supermodel who is bucking the trend by eating more than three lettuce leaves and 12 lentils a day. Good on you, my boy. And more than good on the sumptuously configured Doutzen Kroes who is more than happy to show off her delectable curves to you…
Now that's more like it! The more woman, the more we like it. Just take in those child-bearing hips, boys. Good gollyness, Miss Mollyness! Doutzen does it for us, doesn't she?
Yes, she does. But, as our Seth rightly points out in his very appetising post, there is no excuse for going all “fatty-boom-booms” on us. Just keep it nice and shapely. As my dear Mum used to say, “Everything in moderation, dear”. And she was so right, wasn’t she? Yes. No fatties on Umdloti’s beaches this summer, girls. And certainly no emaciated supermodels. Yuckness.
* Acknowledging Seth’s support for the fuller figure, I would like to bring to the attention of Hatpeople a very good cause that is backed by Seth on 2oceansvibe… Montrose Manor, an eating disorder treatment clinic in Cape Town. Jolly good work all-round, I’d say.
It’s not often the idyllic Indian Ocean holiday resort that is Durban gets the thumbs-up from a Capetonian. It’s not often Durbs gets anything from the superiority-complex-burdened Capetonians. Not even a visit. The only people you’ll find on a plane about to leave Cape Town for Durban are Durbanites, open-minded enough to want to experience a drop of that ridiculously over-rated rain-sodden, wind-shaken and most Eurotrashy of South African cities.
But, refreshingly, Seth Rotherham, the Camps Bay sex symbol celebrity blogger, has gone against the grain. He rolls like that does Rothers. You should check out his website 20ceansvibe. Seth is a funny oke. And brave. Not brave enough to actually visit Durban – despite an open invitation to spend a night or two at Hatman Mansions, Umdloti – but brave enough to be a Capetonian and openly express his admiration for something or somebody belonging to Durbs-on-Sea.
Just last week he showed remarkable taste for a Capetonian when he gave his adoring 2oceansvibers a glowing recommendation to visit fredhatman.co.za (see here) and now he too has fallen under the entrancing spell of our Moses Mabhida Stadium, far and away the most impressive of all of the 2010 World Cup stadia.
However, before I refer you to the spot where he absolutely raves about our new stadium, previously described by an insanely jealous Capetonian as “looking like Paris Hilton dropped her handbag in the middle of Durban”, let’s revel in the outrageous beautifulness of the pic our friend Seth used on his blog…
Durban's architectural stunner works on its tan in the year-round sunshine, waiting patiently for the world to hit on her next June and take full advantage Pic: Lefty Shivambu/Gallo Images
Utter gorgeousness, hey? Needless to say, some mealymouthed Apetonians just had to leave disparaging comments about our Moses under Seth’s post (read it here), only serving to show that they just can’t stand the fact that we’ve upstaged them big-time on the World Cup front. I suggest that they try really hard to get over it. Come June next year, when glorious winter sunshine is smiling upon Durbs and the rage of the foulweather gods is vented on the Smother City, it might finally dawn on them that all of the World Cup visitors will have chosen to hang out on our golden beaches, goofing in our warm ocean and ogling our unsurpassable bikini babes while waiting to take in the beautiful game under our gleaming skyscraper arch.
However, it now appears that Seth might have briefly been under the spell of some of Durban’s finest local produce when he raved over Moses because he has gone and spoilt it all by saying nice things about Cape Town’s Green Point Stadium. He has succumbed to publishing a snap by one of his viewers which shows the “half-sucked Polo mint” structure all lit up at night.
Here is the incriminating evidence…
All of the long-retired Cape Town models deserted their skinny lattes at Green Point's Giovanni's and ran for cover as the alien spaceship, carrying an army of giant crayfish invaders from Durban, landed right over the main road Picture: Joanne (a friend of Seth's)
OK. So I’ve since been irately informed by a number of Apetonians (golly, they take themselves soooo seriously) that my “caption is all wrong” and that thing (above) is actually Cape Town’s World Cup 2010 stadium.
Fine. You can stop e-mailing me now, Cape Town. Thank you. Now I’ll show some Seth-like graciousness and Durban bonhomie and say that their stadium actually looks quite nice.
By night. All lit up.
But then so does Gugulethu.
PS: Should you want to help me win a Foozi football table game for the township kids who attend Waterloo Primary School near Umdloti, please go to the Shine2010 website right here and ease your cursor to the right and down until you get to the heading “POLL”… now go down to the headline “A Golden Day at Durban’s World Cup 2010 stadium… sometime in 2019″, click on the little button next to it and then click “Submit”. Doing that might enable me to win their Bloggers’ Challenge so that I might donate the Foozi game to the kids… can you imagine their joy? Check out the prize…
Total coolness overload, hey? I so want to see the kids' faces when they play on this baby during big break... please vote!
Thanks! I love all of you. Even you Capetonians (who voted for me). spreadthelovesaysfred
I’m not necessarily tied by a blogospherical cord to that horrible little plonker Perez Hilton, who is usually to be found feeding at the scummy bottom of the lowest common denominator genepool, but even I have to admit that he’s finally got something right.
Hilton, who recently made the humungously famous Seth Rotherham of 2oceansvibe fame even more unimaginably famous by posting a snap of Rothers out shopping in LA with the almost-as-funny Pauly Shore, has vented his spleen against a new range of toy dolls which demand to be breastfed by small children who then, with the help of a “strap-on nursing bra”, duly “breastfeed” them.
I'm sorry but this sucks!
Heavens to dear old Betsy, this is absolute appalledness overload. I’m opting out right here. Best you read what “Outraged of LA” has to say… feed on this.
Australian rugger players, when they’re not getting beaten up by Bok fans outside our bars and clubs, fancy themselves as being quite tough. Well, Aussies generally just fancy themselves, full stop.
So, for those of them who can read, here’s a little something to digest before lights out tonight. Er, that’s light’s out at 9pm at their team hotel, not lights out outside Karma or Jade or the Bang Bang Club at 3am.
With a grateful nod to my new friend and Cape Town funnyman Seth Rotherham of 2oceansvibe fame, I republish this gem about why our Afrikaners are just so blerry big and strong and hard. First printed in, I pork you not, the Wall Street Journal of all media organs.
Yussy, I enjoyed that. Especially the bit where former Bok Tiaan Strauss describes how he used to catch wildebeest to keep himself in shape for international matches: “Sometimes you tackle them, but mainly you sort of catch them by the horn and wrestle them to the ground.”
I like that. Did you like it, Stirling Mortlock? Good. Because apparently Bakkies Botha has been doing a little gentle sparring with kangaroos ahead of tomorrow’s game against YOU and a few of your mates at Newlands. Latest score? Bakkies 36 Kangaroos 0.
Which wouldn’t be a bad prediction to go with for tomorrow.
