It’s all over Twitter this morning. Capetonians tweeting about their Smother City being declared an “independent state”.
And I’m all over the floor, blubbing with uncontainable mirth, my thighs black and blue with the slapping of them. This is too much of funniness.
But, scarily, I think they’re being serious. As usual. Capetonians take themselves very seriously, don’t they? Serious about everything they eat being organic and hydroponically hand-grown up the backside of a vegetarian cow. But I digest, I mean digress.
OK. So their radio station Heart 104.9FM has put out an official declaration that Cape Town is, for the month of August, independent of, um, well, everywhere else. Which will please that nice Julius Malema no end. And me.
Capetonians, forever foraging for new ways to feel good about themselves – and be seen as better than everyone else – have warmed to this theme like a sunny winter’s day in Durban. They’re all over it like a nasty rash. Which is what I get whenever I try to talk with a Capetonian, whose most recent recollection of the sun in winter is only to be found up his or her jacksy.
OK, down to business. Let’s scrutinise Heart’s declaration and pick up on a few facts, as Apetonians like to see them. It breathlessly states: “… the people who inhabit the beautiful city of Cape Town are like no other. According to research recently conducted by OIL, there is a distinct Cape Town mindset that is unique to Capetonians (OK, can’t argue with that). Capetonians were found to be more relaxed and content with their lives than their South African counter parts – it must be the sun and sea air.” Excuse me? Sun? In August? In July? In June? In September? In Cape Town? Come on.
I strongly dispute that Capetonians are “more relaxed and content” than the rest of us. It’s just that they are way too pleased with themselves. “Mountain this, mountain that… wine this, wine that… white beach here, white beach there… blah this, blah that.” Very windy, Capetonians. Very windy, Cape Town.
Check out this howling south-easter from OIL’s Velma Botha, very windily spinning out the “research” done for Heart 104.9FM: “Capetonians generally are found to be happy with their surrounds, other than (sic) in Johannesburg and other cities where people are constantly on the lookout for something better.” Naughty Velma. Not true. Capetonians are RESIGNED to living with gale-force winds, dark days and incessant rain which has just recently flooded parts of the city. Especially the disgraceful Cape Flats shanty-sprawl which, intriguingly, doesn’t appear to have been incorporated into the new Republic of Cape Town. Helen Zille must be giving all Capetonians night classes in “The Art of Spin”.
Notice how Velma’s “research” takes a pop at Jo’burg and “other cities” – presumably including the sub-tropical, sun-all-year-round paradise that is Durban? I don’t need to be a psychologist to correctly interpret this as a sign of mass insecurity among Capetonians, do I?
Before linking you with the full text of Velma’s and Heart’s head-spinning propaganda, I’ll leave you with this last little over-polished gem from CapeTownMagazine.com, which has respewed out all of the preceding tripe: “Cape Town’s charm and a combination of factors all work together to enhance the global appeal of Cape Town when compared to other 2010 host cities. World-class beaches, ample tourist attractions and a cosmopolitan night life make Cape Town the must-visit host city for visitors during 2010.” Yeah, right…