Above headline more or less courtesy of Laugh It Off.
I don’t love Telkom quite as much. Hellkom and I go back quite a long way. Too long a way. Too painful. Too much of agonyness. So, when I popped into Corner Cafe in Durban the other day to say hello to owner Judd Campbell, eat one of his top-notch Full Glenwoodian Breakfasts and make full use of his wireless connection, I bought a Laugh It Off tee from the Wardrobe shop around the back.
Light blue. With a nice Telkom logo. And the words: “Telsomeonewhogivesashitkom”. Slogan underneath: “I’ll be in touch tomorrow.”
This T-shirt has caused a mass outpouring in connectnessness among the degenerates at my local, The Bush Tavern in Umdloti. They’ve all been whacked by Telkom. Time and again. Too much of pissedoffness.
There are big, fat and ugly corporations. And then there is Telkom, the biggest, fattest, ugliest and couldn’t-give-a-shittest of them all.
And they have exacted a most horrible revenge for my purchase of Justin’s cool T-shirt. My ADSL has been “down” for the past five days. I’ve phoned Telkom 28 times. ADSL still down.
So, here’s a few words for our great country’s premier telecommunications corporation. I am sure that somewhere deep down in the belly of the awful beast that is Telkom, there are a few competent people. I would like to ask those few competent people to kindly leave the room. Now. Go. Please.
Good. The rest of you stay. Hmmm. There’s a lot of you. OK. Form lots of long lines. Now listen up. This is what I am going to do. I will come up to each of you, look at you in the eyes and… and… tweak your nose. Quite firmly. But, while I execute this rather civilised act of revenge – one that might be considered to be more than acceptable behaviour given the challenges of living in an emerging democracy – I want you to know this: in my mind, what I am really doing, what I so want to do, is swallow 937,412 bullets (one bullet, one Telkom employee – of the incompetent kind), and as I look each of you in the eye, I will vomit over you so hard, so forcefully, that the bullet takes out your eye.
Got it? Are you in full receipt of my drift? Verstaan jy?
Good. Now get somebody to the box at the end of my road and flick that switch. Because I have been wearing my “Telsomeonewhogivesashitkom” shirt for five days now. And I’m whiffing so hideously that the joke is starting to wear a bit thin down at the Bush Tavern.