Heartman: “Have unicycle… will go surfing!”

Dear Hatpeople, if you don’t yet love our Heartman, the amiable nutter who will unicycle (yes, that’s got one wheel) from Durban to Cape Town to raise awareness of landmines, you surely will now.

He leaves his surfboard on my verandah here at Hatman Mansions. So he pitches up here the other day, gets himself very excited about the latest sponsors to come onboard the Heart & Sole Tour… and then says he’s going for a surf.

“I’ll come with you. We’ll walk down, ja?” I say (Selection Beach is 40m from my gate). “Nah, Hatman, I’m unicycling,” he says. “Want me to carry your board?” I ask, as his back-up vehicle driver, publicist, personal blogger etc.

“Nah, it’s cool bru, I’ve got it,” is Heartie’s reply. And this is what it looked like…

Have surfboard, will unicycle... Heartman goes in search of a wave

Have surfboard, will unicycle... Heartman goes in search of a wave

How cool is this guy? Go on. Out of a possible 20 on the Like-Totally-Cool-o-Meter, where would you put your tick? 16? 17? Oh, come, come, let’s not fanny about here, Hatpeople… you’d want to give old Heartie a nice, round 20, wouldn’t you? Yes, you would! I know it. And I know that you know that I know that you would. Good. We’re sorted then.

Look. The Heartman is so cool that when he turns up here of a morning to help himself to my finest Colombian (coffee) and Ouma Marmalade rusks, I have to chip away with an icepick just to get near the oke. How cool is that? Yes. Ice-cold completely-frozen-over cool is the correct answer.

OK. So when I tell you that he had done a 15km unicycle training ride from Hatman Mansions, Umdloti on the N2 to Gateway and then to Umhlanga before heading off for that surf, you would definitely throw caution to the wind and award him that 20, wouldn’t you? Yes. Nice.

And, only because I know that you love pictures of your Heartman’s jolly japes on his AmaOnetyre, here’s the proof…

Only 1k to the turn-off to Gateway... and Heartman is shrouded in sweat after unicycling 9km in the Durban heat...

Only 1k to the turn-off to Gateway... and Heartman is shrouded in sweat after unicycling 9km in the Durban heat...

... and he makes it to Umhlanga to a warm welcome and triple espresso from Maro, owner of Zara's, a very cyclist-friendly coffee shop!

... and he makes it to Umhlanga to a warm welcome and triple espresso from Maro, owner of Zara's, a coffee shop with a very cyclist-friendly vibe!

I’m glad you enjoyed that. I didn’t. My truck had a blow-out just outside Umdloti and then I had to fork out for a pair of poncy cycling shorts at Gateway because Heartie was worrying about a decreasing capacity to produce children due to extreme scrotum-chafe!

I jest. Truth is that I am lost in admiration for The Heartman who is so determined to complete our 1,700km adventure across South Africa that “Unveiled Sweetheart” – his wife-to-be who remains anonymous so as to avoid the press and attendant paparazzi – reports that her man even goes to the loo on “AmaOneTyre”!

What a nutter! You love him, don’t you? Yes. I know you do. There is no other way.