After days of painstakingly assessing the final mo’s in our “Great Camps Bay vs Umdloti Mo-off” contest, Judge Lucy eventually adjudged the “Trucker” ‘tache sprouted by The Heartman of Umdloti as the winner.
Lucy Balona, head of Marketing and Communications at Cansa, the organisers of the “Mo-vember” campaign to raise awareness of cancers afflicting men, sportingly agreed to be the judge in the competition between Seth Rotherham, superstar blogger and sex symbol of Camps Bay, and Geoff “Heartman” Brink, Heart & Sole tour unicyclist and generally hailed as the most macho of he-men in Umdloti.
This is how “Judge Lucy” reported back her findings to fredhatman.co.za:
I am going to have to go with the Heartie’s final Mo. Our Seth’s Mo looks rather frightened, like he’s being caught with his pants down…. oops… and you didn’t send a big enough bribe! So First Prize to supercool Heartie who seems very comfortable with his Mo.
I reserve the right to have my mind changed, depending on the amount of donations that come rolling in ….
Head: Marketing and Communications
The Cancer Association of South Africa (CANSA)
Toll-free 0800 22 66 22
Leading the fight against cancer in South Africa
Right. Thanks, Lucy, for being such a sport of great jolliness and a judge as astute and diligent in your inspection of the evidence presented before you as any in our esteemed Supreme Court. OK, so let’s have a good butchers at the evidence upon which Judge Lucy was asked to make her decision…
Exhibit A: Seth Rotherham's porn star mo, snapped while out and asprout at Frankie Fleck's clothing range launch in Cape Town
Exhibit B: The Heartman's supamuthatrucker mo, captured post-not-so-close-shave in his bathroom at the Bush Palace
Mmmm. Perhaps you’ll join me in agreeing that this was more of a “No Contest” than a “Mo Contest”? But a massively hairy doff of my red hat to 2oceansvibe\’s Seth for taking part and for so strongly and persuasively promoting “Movember” on his hugely popular blog. And to The Heartman for stopping his endless stalking of wildlife in the Umdloti bush in search of a decent breakfast and postponing his early morning unicycle ride to shave and pose for the above pic.
And, to all those womenfolk who endured the tickling action of hairy upper lips on Tom Selleck look-a-likes for one whole month, a thank-you for understanding why a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do to highlight the cancers that continue to nibble away at our nuts and prostate glands. Nice one, angels!
And all those guys who were man enough to adjust the flightpath of their Gillettes so as to allow for a top-lip turnout… bristling good work, Mo Bros! You have to say it: South Africa’s Got ‘Tache!
I don’t know if it’s in the water but Durban – and Umdloti in particular – has sprouted some scary moustaches for Cansa’s “Mo-vember” campaign to raise awareness of those cancers that nibble lethally away at men… prostate, testicular and, yes, breast cancer can pick on men too. You didn’t know that, did you?
So a lot of guys are strolling around South Africa and sporting ‘taches which are terrifying the living daylightsness out of their womenfolk. Hang in there, ladies, you can order him to de-tache in just six days’ time. Meanwhile, an update on the “Great Umdloti vs Camps Bay Mo-off”, a friendly tussle between Heart & Sole marathon unicyclist Geoff “Heartman” Brink and Cape Town’s “sex symbol” blogger Seth Rotherham.
So without further hair-do (OK, so I’ve used that line before but I like it too much, all right?), let’s brace ourselves for the second phase pics of their top-lip turnouts… first up, Seth “I’ve gone for the Porn Star vibe” Rotherham…
Hmmm, I'm not entirely convinced many porn stars are looking over their hairy shoulders in fear at Seth's paltry turnout... but, hey, I don't want to influence the judges' decision here!
Next up, and I suggest you cover your children’s eyes for this one, our nutty Umdloti marathon unicyclist, Geoff “MuthaTrucker” Brink…
Golly gumdropsness! He does look rather terrifying, doesn't he? In a kind of "Umdloti Has A Village Idiot And I'm It" kind of way. Actually, he's quite harmless... without a razor in his mitt!
Well. I’m not sure what to say. Except perhaps Camps Bay’s sexiest blogger might have some catching up to do. Not that I’m taking sides. No. I’ll leave that to the judges. Er, that will be me. And I’ll make my decision next week. End of Movember, right?
Right. Now for a little light relief. If that wasn’t light enough for you. Last time out, my guest Mo Bro was Springbok rugby legend Bob Skinstad. The last I heard, he had taken refuge in a snug in a Dublin pub ahead of the South Africa vs Ireland match and was dyeing his moustache with Guinness. So who to feature this week?
For one month only, this month of Movember, the whingeing of female partners are given the hairy sneer as we men do what we have to do. Grow our mo’s in support of Cansa, the organisation highlighting the perils to we men of the cancers that dare nibble at our prostate glands and testes. Not at all nice.
So we’re doing our bit, aren’t we mo bro’s? Yes, we are. And if you’ve been giving into threats of no sexualness if you grow Mo, then no mo respect from us mo bro’s, oh kay. OK. I’m stopping this right now.
Seriously, dudes, it is incumbent upon you as a male with mo growth potential to adjust the flightpath of the old Gillette V8 Turbo-charged RX Twin-Engine to make way for top-lip sprouting. So get to it. I published on here last week a pictorial guide to the ‘taches one can cultivate – refresh your memory right here - so you have no no-mo sexcuse. Mmmm.
Celebrities no less luminary than 2oceansvibe blogger and supermodel-endorsed Camps Bay sex symbol Seth Rotherham, Hilton First XV (and Springbok) rugger-playing legend Bob Skinstad and Umdloti tree-feller (and the Heart & Sole’s Durban to Cape Town unicycling nutter ) Geoff “Heartman” Brink are resisting unreasonable demands from their women for smooth-lipped snogging to sport their mo’s for a good cause. So you, highly unlikely to cross lips with the level of stunners they get sexually harangued by on an almost hourly basis, can do same. Right?
Right. I feel like we’re all beginning to wobble our moustaches to the same hymnsheet here. Good. We’ll move on.
Taking this to the next level, Seth, the aforementioned blogger and sex symbol extraordinaire etc, has cheekily challenged – Camps Bay’s finest rolls like that – my boy The Heartman to a “mo-off” to see who will be wearing the hairiest beast come the end of Movember. Are we up for that? Look, if we (I mean he) can ride a unicycle 1,700km only to land up in a spot like Cape Town, we’re not likely to shy away from a moustache-cultivation contest, are we? No. Well done. You weren’t wrong there.
So here’s how our two stellar Mo Bro’s square up at Phase One of “The Great Umdloti vs Camps Bay Mo-Off”. In the windy Camps Bay corner, I give you… the Caprice Supermodels’ favourite, Sethhhh Ro-the-the-therham!
Fine. Nothing wrong with that. Nice scarf. And Seth's "Porn Star" mo, set off by his ubiquitous RayBans, reminds me of a movie I once wrote as a vehicle for Sean Penn. I'm more deeply troubled by the amount of washing-up to be clearly seen in the background of this shot taken at the legendary Safe House. I strongly suspect that Mavis, Seth's domestic executive and compulsive gambler, might have been wedged in at GrandWest Casino since her last payday. But that's none of my business, is it?
No, it isn’t. So let’s swing around to my boy, waiting patiently in the sunkissed Umdloti corner… laydeez and, er, laydeez, I present to you Geoff “Heartman” Briiiiink!
Oh my hatness! That's a quite different vibe our boy is putting out there, don't you think? More Hulk Hogan in the ring than Sean Penn in whatever that movie was, methinks. Yes, our treefelling unicyclist has opted, quite appropriately, for the "Trucker" look and he looks to be fine with that, doesn't he?
Yes, he certainly does. Only nine days into Movember and Heartman is enjoying quite a healthy turnout around his laughing gear. Except he ain’t laughing, is he? I think old Heartie’s taking this all rather sneeringly. Even as his friend, personal blogger and publicist for his 1,700km unicycling nuttiness, I’m a tad unnerved by that lazy eye manoeuvre he’s throwing out!
Shockedness. Some bloke just knocked on the front door of Hatman Mansions and, before I could give him the old top-to-toe lazy eye and order him to use the back door, told me in a stunningly assertive tone that it was November and asked why I hadn’t grown my moustache already.
November? Really? Wowness. A lone blogger operating off a red stoep-painted verandah in the heart of Umdloti’s coastal bush is inclined to lose track of time. Moustache? What was the cheeky git on about? Ah, Movember. That time of the year when usually suave, clean-shaven okes adjust the flightpath of their morning razor to accommodate a dodgy alien invader growth of facial hair around the “laughing gear” region. And girlfriends and wives threaten to withdraw certain sexual favours until the old Gillette is returned to the playing field.
Well, they would if they weren’t aware that us guys growing moustaches this month is for the very good cause of raising awareness of the various cancers that target the male gender. Prostate. Testicular. Nastinesses.
The geezer at the front door then thrust a piece of paper into my hands and said “You choose!” before starting his five-mile Tuscan pebble-crunching trek along the sweeping driveway back to South Beach Road. Let’s have a look at that all-important document…
Mmmm. I'm bummed that the Tom Selleck in Magnum PI look doesn't feature... so I'll just have to plump for "Gringo", 'ay bambinos?
Should be interesting. I had disastrous results with the “Trucker” look earlier this year – while in training for a friend’s Trailer Trash partytjie – when my facial hair couldn’t seem to agree with the remnants of of my head hair over what colour to opt for. They reached a compromise solution of “one hair brown, one hair grey” which wasn’t a solution at all. It was a total dogs’ breakfast.
But this is for a very good cause so I’ll have another bash and if I have to give it a good dredge every morning with Maybelline No1 Midnight Mascara then it’s because I’m “worth it”. Check? Cool.
So this is what I’m aiming for this Movember…
Tom's top lip enjoys a good turnout. And so will mine. Even if it involves putting in extensions...
I was a big fan of Thomas Magnum back in the day. So I hope he’ll forgive me for not completely copying his vibe and going more for the gringoesque dropdown look. It’s just that wearing a broom across my face would come over as being a bit too tidy. And I live in Umdloti, not Miami Beach. And because my Gen (Genevieve Morton to the rest of you) prefers it that way.
OK. So I urge all you male Hatpeople (and those females who farm around Kakamas) to free up those ‘taches and pledge your support for Cansa. It’s the totally cool thing to do. Even if it don’t look very much like cool, mo bro.